Self-Harming Heroine - Chapter 17

I relaxed my wrist and knocked on the door a couple of times.

I took a step back and waited for a response, but no answer came from beyond the door.

Did I knock too softly?

I didn’t have an empty hand—one held the books I’d borrowed, and the other a shopping bag. Knocking was proving inconvenient, so I had to put the shopping bag down on the floor to knock a bit harder this time.

“Alice, it’s me, Lucia.”

Still, there was no response.

Huh, is no one inside? Alice isn’t exactly the outgoing type, so I assumed she’d be here. If she goes out, it’s probably to the library. Maybe she’s already finished all the books she borrowed and went to get some new ones.

Oh well. Looks like I missed her. It’s nothing urgent, so I’ll just come back later.

Just as I picked up the shopping bag again…

Creak.

The door slowly opened with a squeak.

A small shadow poked its head out.

A blue-haired girl slightly peeked out just enough to meet my gaze.

“A-A-Ah, h-hello… L-Lu-lucia…”

Alice stammered, her face flushed red like a ripe persimmon.

Oh, so she was here. I’m glad I didn’t miss her.

But why is her face so red? Is she feeling sick?

“I-I-It’s s-so early, w-what b-brings you… h-here…?”

“Early? It’s already past lunchtime.”

Alice tilted her head, then disappeared back inside the room.

I heard quick footsteps, and a few seconds later, Alice’s face popped back out again.

“Y-You’re… right… heh-heh… I was… r-reading…”

“You lost track of time?”

“Yes…”

No wonder she didn’t answer the first time I knocked.

She must’ve been so absorbed in reading that she didn’t hear me.

“I came to return the books I borrowed, and I have a little something to give you too. Would it be alright if I come in for a moment?”

“Wh-What? Umm…”

Alice couldn’t seem to find her words. She avoided my gaze, her mismatched eyes darting around—up, down, right, left. Watching her eyes roll around, I gave her a puzzled look.

What’s going on with her?

Is there some reason I can’t go in?

And now that I think about it, why is Alice only poking her face out? She’s barely opened the door.

Is she trying to keep me from seeing her room? Why? She let me in just fine last time…

Her unusually flushed face was starting to make me wonder. Could it be that there’s something… private going on—

Oh.

A sudden realization struck me.

That’s it. I totally forgot. This is Alice we’re talking about, so I didn’t even think about it.

Our innocent Alice is still 17, after all. She’s at that age where her body and mind are going through changes, where… desires naturally become stronger. Just look at Lucia for instance.

Comparing her to Lucia, the queen of libido, isn’t quite fair, but Alice is still human. It’s only natural for her to have those kinds of needs too.

Ah… I really came at a bad time. No wonder she didn’t answer right away.

S-Sorry, Alice.

I’ll take my leave, so… carry on with whatever you were doing…

I tried to keep a neutral expression as this great realization dawned on me.

I need to leave without making Alice feel awkward.

Oh, no… I’m supposed to play it cool, but I can’t seem to hide my expression. Lucia, are you really this hopeless? You’re a complete pervert, your head filled with all these unseemly thoughts, and yet you’re getting flustered over this… are you a maiden? Ah, technically you are… anyway!

“Um, uh…”

Alice took a deep breath.

With a resolute expression, she finally met my eyes.

Creak.

The door opened further.I was startled and took a step back.

W-what, she opened it?

Why? Isn’t it normal to want to keep things hidden, unless you’re someone odd like me?

Alice couldn’t possibly be a weirdo like that… w-wait… could it be that Alice is actually like—

The thought didn’t get a chance to finish.

Alice, standing beyond the open door, looked completely normal.

Dressed in pink pajamas with a cute fluffy cat design, Alice was fiddling with her fingers as she looked at me.

“C-come… in…”

“O-okay…”

Still flustered, I stepped into Alice’s room.

The calm, familiar scent of old books greeted me, a smell you’d expect to find in an old bookstore.

However, there was no musty odor anywhere.

“I-I-I’m s-s-sorry… I’m just… in… my pajamas, so… I-I was embarrassed…”

Her voice was barely a whisper.

Only then did I realize what was going on.

Alice had only partially opened the door and peeked out just because she felt shy about being seen in her pajamas.

So all of my thoughts until now had been pure imagination.

Unfounded, ridiculous imagination.

“L-Lucia?”

Alice’s voice sounded distant.

My face felt hot. It was as if all the blood in my body had rushed to my face, and my heart was pounding.

How… embarrassing…

They say a Buddha sees only Buddhas, and a pig sees only pigs…

I am truly a sow1Female pig.

I apologize for speaking human words.

From now on, I’ll walk on all fours and oink…

How did I ever manage to put myself and our pure-hearted Alice on the same level? What kind of baseless confidence was that?

Just because I’m like this, where did I get the idea that Alice would be like me too? From my head, which is overflowing with lust?

I want to disappear…

I have lived an embarrassing life.

I am trash. Recyclable trash.

Please sort me out as a punching bag.

“W-why are you acting like that?”

“…Oh, nothing. It’s just that Alice looks adorable in her pajamas.”

“A-adorable…?!”

Alice’s already red face turned an even deeper shade of crimson.

Though, I’m pretty sure my face looked just the same.

For entirely different reasons, though.

◈

“All the books you recommended were amazing, Alice.”

Alice’s room was just as it had been when I stopped by briefly before—completely filled with books.

Neatly stacked books lined up from one corner to the other.

Considering she had borrowed over 20 books from the library, I bet she’d already read everything in her room. Since she’d brought them to the dorm, she must have carefully selected her favorites—the ones she’d want to reread whenever she felt like it.

When I returned the borrowed books, Alice’s eyes sparkled with excitement.

Trying to fan away the lingering warmth on my face, I continued.

“Especially this one, The Blue Rose’s Wish. It was unforgettable. That scene where the character presents a blue-dyed rose and says their relationship can never be was so moving.”

“Y-yes, yes! T-that’s right… b-but, t-the blue rose’s… m-meaning isn’t i-impossible, a-anymore… S-so…”

“Yeah, the blue rose also symbolizes undying love. I actually teared up when they overcame all the obstacles—society, people’s judgments, and every hardship before them—to finally be together.”

Alice nodded fervently.

She seemed to be expressing herself through her actions since she couldn’t put it into words.

“If it’s okay… could you recommend more books? I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

“…!”

She shook her head firmly.

It wasn’t a refusal. Her eyes sparkled like stars in the night sky. She must mean it’s no trouble.

Alice toddled over to her desk.

It seemed she’d prepared a few books ahead of time because she brought them over right away.

“Th-this one…!”

“Oh, it’s not a romance novel this time? Let’s see… A Crimson Study? A mystery novel, huh.”

“Y-yes. It’s an o-old novel, b-but it’s a c-classic in m-mystery literature.”

Alice spoke with her hands tightly clasped.

Seeing her so lively, I couldn’t help but smile. She truly loves books.

So far, she hadn’t had anyone to share her hobby with, aside from ‘the other side of herself’, so I could understand this side of her.

Speaking of which, I’d love to meet Alice’s other persona, Frey, someday.

The knight protecting Alice.

She was a girl ready to do anything for her “other self.”

And she was a good match with Lucia.

If Lucia took pleasure in being mistreated, Frey was the exact opposite.

A sadist.

A person who felt gratification in crushing and mocking others.

Though, she wasn’t as extreme as Lucia, instead leaning towards a moderately aggressive nature, which was a bit of a shame.

In “The Dawn of the Sword”, they emphasized her lack of honesty and fiery temperament more than her sadistic side.

But still, she was a sadist, right?

Hehe… could that mean she’s my perfect match?

I could handle all of Frey’s aggression, you know?

Well, maybe that’s impossible.

Whether it’s Alice or Frey, they’ll eventually both fall for Eugene.

At best, I’d just be a toy for Frey to mess with.

But hey, maybe that’s enough?

“Alice.”

I handed her the shopping bag I was holding.

Alice tilted her head in curiosity.

“It’s a gift. Please accept it.”

“A… gift…?”

“It’s nothing special. I was out shopping for clothes yesterday and thought of you. I thought it might suit you if you wore it. Not sure if the size will fit, though…”

Alice looked between the shopping bag and me, her small lips quivering, though she said nothing.

Oh, I know this look.

When she has too many things she wants to say, Alice sometimes ends up saying nothing at all.

Too many words rushing out at once can mess up the meaning.

In times like this, it helps to guess at her unspoken questions and gently explain to her.

“Um… did it make you uncomfortable? I mean, we’ve only been friends for two or three days, and maybe receiving a gift suddenly felt like too much. It’s a cliché thing to say, but you really don’t have to feel pressured. I wanted to give it to you, so I did.”

Hmm, saying it out loud feels embarrassing.

But I am Lucia.

And Lucia does not shy away from something as meager as embarrassment.

Let’s forget about my earlier slip-up.

“The truth is… I’ve never had any friends. I’ve always been alone. Alice, you’re my first friend. So… hehe, I was thrilled. Won’t you accept my gift?”

“…First… friend…”

Alice repeated those words, extending a trembling hand.

She accepted the shopping bag but didn’t look inside.

With a blank expression, she murmured,

“I’m… Lucia’s… first… friend?”

“Alice?”

Uh-oh, something seems off.

Sensing something strange, I raised my hand and waved it in front of Alice’s eyes.

There was no focus in her gaze.

Hello? Alice?

“First…”

Alice’s eyes rolled back.

Upward, then all the way down.

In other words, she fainted.

“Ah, Ali…!”

Just as I was about to reach out to catch her, Alice suddenly straightened up.

She stood firmly on her legs, brow furrowed, the weakness gone.

“…”

At that moment, I knew.

The soft, kitten-like look in Alice’s eyes had sharpened, now resembling a fully grown cat’s calculating stare.

“…Hah.”

Alice—no, Frey—sighed.

I’d just been thinking about how I wanted to meet her, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.

But why the sudden change?