Self-Harming Heroine - Chapter 16

I washed the dirt off with hot water and collapsed onto the bed without drying my hair.

One of the inconveniences after becoming Lucia is that it’s hard to dry my hair after a shower.

I’m used to a short male haircut, but Lucia’s long hair, which goes down past my shoulders, is just too long. From washing it to drying, combing, and styling, it’s quite a hassle. At first, I couldn’t handle it properly, and it got tangled into a messy mess.

It gets easily disheveled when the wind blows, and there’s static electricity too.

It also blocks my vision, and there’s a subtle weight to it.

Hmm, honestly speaking, it’s uncomfortable. I preferred my short hair.

Washing my hair didn’t take much shampoo, drying was quick, and it was easy to manage.

But still, I don’t plan on cutting it.

I’m just not used to it yet, and with time, I’ll get the hang of it.

More than anything, it’s such a waste, right?

Such beautiful hair. Whether it’s due to the effects of super regeneration or not, it hasn’t accumulated any external damage, always shining and healthy. It must have taken years to grow it this long, so I can’t just dismiss Lucia’s efforts because I find it bothersome.

There’s a lot I have to get used to.

Not just my hair, but everything about being a woman is different from when I was a man.

Whether male or female, we’re the same person, so a lot is similar, but there are physical differences that can’t be helped.

For example, my chest.

It’s quite big.

It’s not huge, but it’s firm and soft when I touch it.

Big breasts are ideal, right?

Any man would think that.

But, you know, the bigger they are, the more uncomfortable they become.

It might be nice to look at, but there’s no real benefit for the person who has them.

The weight shifts forward, making it uncomfortable, and they shake embarrassingly when I run.

Sweat easily builds up around the cleavage and under the chest, and it’s especially uncomfortable when I lie on my stomach.

“Huh, it’s really uncomfortable…”

When I lightly ran, I could feel the pain in my chest. The bouncing made me embarrassed, and I wondered if anyone could see.

If Lucia had this problem, how bad would it be for women with really big breasts?

They must be heavy… uncomfortable… difficult… embarrassing…

“…Should I somehow make my breasts bigger?”

Lying on the soft mattress, I massaged my chest.

If they grew big enough to be really huge… Heh.

Would frequent stimulation make them bigger? No, then there wouldn’t be such a thing as small breasts in this world.

If there was something unnecessary above, below was the opposite, something feels missing.

There was a sense of emptiness between my legs, and it felt strange. There should have been something there, but it wasn’t there.

My lifelong companion… Where did it go without saying anything to me?

Since becoming Lucia, I’ve never masturbated.

Even though my sexual desire is stronger than when I was a man.

What’s strange is that I’m more drawn to other things than masturbation… To be honest, cutting open my stomach with a kitchen knife excites me more than doing something with my fingers.

Ripping open the skin on my stomach and spilling my intestines and blood…

Self-disembowelment. If someone were to cut my throat, that’d be the cherry on top.

Did you know? Even a cute and beautiful girl like Lucia is the same as any other girl inside.

Now that I think about it, I’ve never experienced menstruation.

They say it’s painful… I wonder how much it hurts.

I’m curious.

Well, how bad could it be?

It can’t be worse than cutting off a finger or tearing off a shoulder, right?

But since it’s a pain men don’t ever experience, I’ve always wanted to try it at least once.

Getting my period means I could have a child, right?

Thinking about it… hmm, honestly, I’m scared.

Not in a sexual sense, but real fear.

Wow, this is the first time Lucia has felt true fear.

I thought Lucia was invincible, but she had such weaknesses. How fascinating.

No, I’m not kidding, I’m actually scared.

Huh, wasn’t Lucia immune to feelings like this?

It’s not about making someone pregnant, it’s about being pregnant.

Carrying new life inside me…

…It’s a strange feeling.

It feels unreal, and I can’t even imagine it.

Let’s stop thinking about this.

Anyway, I have no intention of getting pregnant.

Unless I get raped, I suppose.

No, even if I get raped, I’ll make sure to use contraception.

Above all, I have no intention of getting raped.

One thing I learned from this situation was the difference between Lucia and me.

Compared to Lucia, I was very shy.

Very, very shy.

And Lucia’s body is extremely masochistic and exhibitionist.

The more embarrassed she gets, the more aroused she becomes.

Which was especially worse for someone like me.

When I crawled around in a bunny girl outfit, I was overwhelmed with a shame so intense that my mind went blank.

I guess I had a reality check. I felt pathetic, absurd, and embarrassed, as if my head would explode.

And explode it did.

All those feelings turned into pure pleasure, and in that moment, I… well, you know?

It was all just desire.

I wanted to be beaten. I wanted to be cut. I wanted to be torn apart. I wanted to be violated.

Those were the only thoughts in my head, and I couldn’t control myself.

What would have happened if the security guard had caught me back then?

Just imagining it sends chills down my spine.

Anyway, because of that, I needed to organize my thoughts.

That’s the reason I can’t fall asleep while lying on my bed right now.

It would be good to get some sleep since I’ve already stayed up for two nights. But I can’t sleep unless I deal with these complicated feelings first.

Until now, I’ve secretly relieved my desires inside the dorm.

I stabbed my arm with a knife and choked my neck with a whip.

No one knew about it, so there was no need to be embarrassed.

But exposure is different.

I don’t know when I’ll get caught. I don’t know who will see it.

That anxiety turned me on more than ever.

I was more of an exhibitionist than Lucia…

Now that I think about it, there were already signs.

During the ability assessment, I got a crushed shoulder from Angelica’s golem, and I reached an orgasm right then. I tried similar things in the dorm later, but it wasn’t as satisfying as that moment.

Everyone was watching me. At that time.

Everyone saw it. At that moment.

I should have noticed then.

I was too slow to realize when I was playing around with my eyes closed.

When I get extremely aroused, I find it hard to control myself.

I managed to get through it this time, but what about next time? Will I get through it again?

“From now on, exposure should be moderate… Yeah, really moderate…”

I don’t intend to stop.

Yes, I’m a pervert~♡

Because I’m Lucia, the perverted girl.

I’m a masochist—no, a super masochist who gets excited from being hit, trampled, and exposed.

But moderation is necessary.

I can’t guarantee where my personal desires will lead.

Even so, I can’t ruin the original story.

If the ending of “The Dawn of the Sword” was a bad ending, maybe it would be different, but it was a clean happy ending.

‘And they all lived happily ever after’, something like that.

I can’t ruin that happiness.

If it’s just me who’s ruined, it doesn’t matter.

If I’m the only one who falls, I’ll accept it willingly.

But it’s not just me.

Lucia is one of the heroines, and the heroines play a big role in “The Dawn of the Sword”.

The heroines were the ones who guided the protagonist, Eugene’s growth.

If my actions were to change the happy ending of the original, that can’t happen.

So, let’s maintain a sense of balance.

From past experiences, I realized that desire is like a drug for Lucia, and it’s hard to resist.

It wasn’t just simple sexual desire.

It was a drug, one that’s hard to quit.

Though I’ve never used drugs, I can be certain.

That addictive nature—what else could it be but a drug?

It was such a powerful impulse that I almost thought I’d be willing to give up everything for this moment.

Ah, it gives me chills.

To casually say something like, “It’s fine if you rape me, I’ll spread my legs~♡”

I understand the feeling.

It’s not like a story that develops in a way where the character becomes a woman and her heart becomes a woman’s too.

Female corruption~♡? No way.

If I were violated by a man, it would be so disgusting, shameful, and unbearable that I’d want to die.

Just thinking about it makes me want to bite my tongue.

But Lucia is a masochist.

She can’t resist that shame; she loves it.

The pleasure she gains from destroying herself is more enjoyable than anything else.

But if I try to endure it, I think I can do it.

Lucia did, so I can too.

Even if I can’t, I must.

I absolutely must.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day walking around the city, looking at peaceful scenes.

I couldn’t let those moments, like sandcastles on the beach, collapse.

After all, the best ending to a story is a happy one where efforts bear fruit.

And when everything is done… Let’s give up my human rights and become dogs.

Woof! Woof woof!

Should I ask Eugene to raise me? Or Alice?

If they become a couple, it might be nice if they raised me together.

Hehe, just kidding.

But still, that’s not going to happen.

I’m not that far gone… I’m not…

“…”

It’s sad that I can’t be sure of that myself.

Let’s think about the distant future when it actually comes.

It’s still a far-off future, so there’s no point in worrying about it now.

Alright, I’ve roughly decided on a course of action.

In reality, nothing has changed from before.

The only difference is whether I face reality or not.

The past few days I spent as Lucia.

For various reasons, I avoided facing the reality of it.

Lack of resolve. The gap in common sense. The last bit of pride.

But I gave up before even a week had passed.

Yeah, it’s impossible.

How could I refuse this?

Actually, I couldn’t refuse it from the beginning.

I just didn’t want to admit it.

“Lucia. I am, Lucia…”

Then, let’s act like Lucia.

No more denying it, just accepting it.

Even though I really hate it.

Even the feeling of hatred is lovable in a way.

I tilted my head slightly to check the time.

It was already well past 5 o’clock.

I could feel that the outside world was gradually brightening.

It felt like it was too late to fall asleep, but I let out a small laugh and closed my eyes.

I had already stayed up the previous night. Even if I still had the stamina, I should sleep when I could.

Just like how people need to eat to live, we need to sleep to keep living.

Yeah, today was really enlightening.

Well then, I’ll see you in a few hours, Lucia.