Self-Harming Heroine - Chapter 15

Now that I’ve acknowledged it, I feel a strange sense of relief.

Until now, even though I knew, even though I could sense it deep down, I stubbornly tried to deny it.

Honestly, it would’ve been strange not to notice.

Just think about what I’ve done since becoming Lucia.

First, I cut off a finger.

Then, I sliced my wrist.

I tore my shoulder.

I hung myself.

And now, here I am, wandering through the dark night dressed as an obscene bunny girl.

I simply hadn’t prepared myself enough.

For becoming Lucia.

For needing to live as Lucia.

My sense of reason fought against my instincts.

The understanding I’d built over 20-plus years as a man couldn’t so easily accept this sudden change in myself.

If I accept it, that’s it.

It means I’ll truly become a deviant.

I’ll become the kind of perverse woman the world has never seen.

That was the one safety net I had left.

My last defense, my final boundary, was the one thing that could stop me from crossing a line I couldn’t come back from.

So, I tried to cover my eyes and play pretend.

In a situation that even a fool could understand, I forced myself to look away.

“And now I’ve ended up like this….”

I twisted my upper body.

Hot. My body feels so hot.

So much that I wonder if this is even okay, my whole body aches from head to toe.

“If I’m going to release this desire… I should just do it… instead of half-heartedly trying to contain it… Look, it ended up spilling over anyway….”

This is the worst.

It’s exactly the scenario I was trying to avoid.

After all that effort to hold it in, now look at me.

I crumbled in an instant.

If I was going to go off the deep end, I should’ve done it completely, not this mess.

It hasn’t even been a week. I haven’t even reached the weekend.

Five days? Six? Ha, and I couldn’t even last that long.

“Haha… heh….”

If I was really going to hold it in, I should have done nothing at all.

Or accepted it from the very beginning.

Acting like this, neither here nor there, is why I couldn’t hold out for long.

“I….”

I lifted my face from the ground.

My vision was blurred, and my eyes stung. Did dirt get in? After blinking a few times, I could finally see.

Tears slid down my face. Was it because of the dust, or something else?

“A pervert… I’m a perverted woman… even though I’m a man… I was a man…”

I wasn’t always like this.

I used to be a more stable, ordinary person.

I mean, isn’t that right?

How many people are like Lucia, anyway?

There are only a few, if any.

I was someone who fit in with the vast majority.

I don’t like pain.

I don’t like humiliation.

I don’t enjoy exposing myself, nor do I slice my wrists or hang myself.

It’s natural for people to resist drastic changes to their beliefs and norms—how many could accept something like that without batting an eye?

So, I resisted, but as I resisted, I also indulged. And as I indulged, I denied it again. Eventually, everything built up and exploded, just like a balloon.

My hands wouldn’t stop trembling.

With shaking fingers, I grabbed the zipper of the black leotard. I pulled it down slowly. It was difficult to take off, given it was behind me, but if I dislocated my shoulders a bit, it wouldn’t be a problem.

Zzzip.

The zipper went down.

It sounded like the walls of my mind crumbling.

Just as an adult insect sheds its cocoon, I crossed the last boundary I had set for myself.

I want to strip everything off like Lucia.

Because I’m a deviant like Lucia—no, even more of a deviant than Lucia…

I want to be trampled on. 

I want to be humiliated as a human being. 

I want to be hit. 

Cut me up. Slice off my limbs. 

You can cut open my belly and pull out my guts. Gouge out my eyes, tear at my ears, crush my nose. 

Use me as a punching bag. Rape me as much as you want. Spit on me, call me a bitch. 

How about cutting off my fingers one by one? Pulling my teeth and slicing out my tongue? Fileting me from my toes up would be nice. 

Oh! What about human furniture? Modify me into furniture. Lucia’s body is soft; it would feel nice to sit on. 

Cut off my limbs and raise me as a pet. Lucia is beautiful. She’d make the best pet dog. Woof! Woof woof!

Ah… I just want it all to end.

I want to be ruined socially, destroyed as a person.

I want to be devoured by some beast from the otherworld.

What would it feel like to be digested inside its stomach? It would probably be amazing.

Should I just… masturbate in front of everyone?

They’d all despise me, wouldn’t they?

They’d be disgusted, wondering what kind of woman I am.

Or what if I became a test subject?

There are mad scientists in this world who experiment on people.

With my super regeneration, I’d be the ideal test subject, wouldn’t I?

Do whatever you want to me.

You could crack open my skull and pull out my brain.

You could test unproven drugs on me without consequence.

If you want to relieve your desires in the middle of an experiment, I’d willingly spread my legs.

The idea of being violated by a man disgusts me to the point of tears, but that disgust… I can’t resist how much I enjoy it.

Ha, it’s terrifying.

I’m terrified. I’m terrified of myself for having these thoughts.

Because Lucia’s instincts clash with my sense of reason… deep down, my desire for all this makes me feel even more like a monster.

And that’s where Lucia and I differ.

Lucia despised herself.

She loathed herself, she was afraid of herself. She saw her own instincts as monstrous and tried to run from them.

That’s why she tried to hide it.

She suppressed her desires to be discovered, to be dominated, and lived pretending to be normal.

And that’s why the original Lucia liked Eugene.

He was someone who accepted her true self, someone who could control her.

But I’m different.

I’m worse than Lucia.

For me, even “contempt” towards myself is the ultimate seasoning for arousal.

“I hate this… I don’t want to be this kind of deviant…”

Why me?

Why did it have to be me?

There are countless other people. There were countless other people. And yet…

Ah, it’s hopeless.

Even despair only serves to stir my heart.

I’ve already fallen as a human being…

I’ve entered Lucia’s life, trying to remain human, only to ruin everything.

Look at me.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I really, really hate myself to the point of nausea.

And yet… I feel so liberated.

Just confronting the truth I’d been avoiding makes me feel like I could fly!

At this point, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

My thoughts are a chaotic mess; my words contradict each other.

I should’ve held back.

Instead of getting swept up in impulse, I should’ve held back.

I should’ve never gone out today.

Even so, I probably wouldn’t have lasted much longer.

Looking at myself now, if I lasted until next weekend, it’d be a miracle.

The taut leotard loosened as I fully unzipped it, slipping off effortlessly. It slid off my body like water. Now I’m… naked… Out here with no one around, yet I’m completely exposed. 

Heh… hehe…

“Should I… go to Eugene?”

Maybe if I begged at his feet, he’d accept me?

Eugene is kind, so he’d at least pretend to consider it. If I begged hard enough, he’d surely…

He’d stomp on me. Burn me with fire. We could go on walks together, like he did with Lucia in the “original.”

Heh, hehe… Eugene is lucky too.

He’s getting a devoted girl like me as his slave.

Dating a guy would be impossible, but I could be his punching bag.

Or maybe I should be his dog? His cat? I’d be anything he wanted.

Step.

“…!”

I heard footsteps.

My heart dropped.

Like ice water down my spine, I froze on the spot.

Who?

Who would be here at this hour?

Should I run? Why? Isn’t this the perfect chance?

If they see me like this, I could be blackmailed, right?

If they threatened to use this against me and make me obey?

Just the thought makes my lower body tingle.

But…

My hesitation was brief.

I held myself back, quickly slipped off my heels, and moved quietly.

First, I needed to see who it was. I’d decide what to do afterward.

I hid behind a large tree.

With only the dim lighting breaking the darkness, no one would notice me if I stayed hidden.

The footsteps grew closer.

The beam of a flashlight swept over the area.

I held my breath, peeking out cautiously.

Every second felt painfully slow.

I narrowed my eyes, suppressing the wild thumping of my heart.

When the figure stepped into the streetlamp’s light, I finally saw them.

A middle-aged man with his cap pulled low.

Judging by his uniform, he was an academy guard.

Ah, of course.

It’s just the regular patrol.

It makes sense for an important facility like the academy to have security.

They do rounds to check for anything unusual at set intervals.

The guard moved forward, shining his flashlight ahead with practiced ease. He didn’t even glance around. A lazy guard, at that.

You should check your surroundings carefully, you know? What if someone is hiding out here? Like right now.

I stayed perfectly still until the guard passed. As much as I wanted to make a sound, I held back, forcibly suppressing myself. The urgency of the situation pulled me out of my thoughts for a moment. Control the impulse. Don’t give in to a momentary desire.

If I get caught, it has to be by Eugene, not some extra who doesn’t even appear in the “original”.

Hold on.

Please, just hold on…

The guard’s footsteps, which had been growing louder, gradually faded.

The flashlight beam drifted farther away.

I held my breath until there were no more sounds.

“…Hah.”

Only after the guard left the garden did I release the breath I’d been holding.

That was close. In more ways than one.

This chilling thrill… haha, it might just be addictive.

No, it will definitely be addictive.

Wiping the cold sweat from my face, I collapsed onto the ground.

My backside got covered in dirt, but with my face already filthy, what difference does it make?

Ah, my strength just drained away.

Even the heat inside me seemed to subside a bit.

Maybe that last rush of euphoria satisfied me somewhat.

Leaning against the tree, I stared blankly up at the night sky.

A thin crescent moon, partially hidden by clouds, cast a faint, gentle light.

The excitement ebbed away.

Ah, I know this feeling.

It’s that moment of complete calmness, isn’t it? Even Lucia can’t stay in a constant state of arousal. Once it’s released, reason has a chance to return, and even a heightened desire has its limits.

“…Guess I should head back.”

If I keep wandering around at night like this, I’ll catch a cold.

Phew, that was a close call.

I almost let my desires get the better of me.

But getting caught by Eugene… that time isn’t now.

Yes, not now.