Self-Harming Heroine - Chapter 19

For Frey, there was only one way to classify people: those she could trust and those she couldn’t.

She’d built a wall around her heart, and people were either inside it or outside.  

The only person Frey truly trusted was Alice.

Alice, her other self. The one who shared the same body and was the only person she could bare her soul to.

And so, anyone besides Alice didn’t matter to Frey. Her world revolved entirely around Alice, and she was prepared to do whatever it took for her.

Maybe that devotion went too far.

By the time she realized it, Alice had become someone who leaned entirely on Frey.

Rather than acting on her own, Alice left everything up to Frey, following passively in her wake. From trivial decisions to significant matters, Alice entrusted everything to her.

At first, Frey had felt happy that Alice relied on her.

She’d taken control of the body on Alice’s behalf and handled whatever Alice struggled with.

Her only reward was Alice’s smile. Each day was fulfilling.

But at some point, Frey began to feel this couldn’t go on.

Frey looked back at Alice.

A child who couldn’t even speak properly due to the misfortunes of her early life.

Though her body grew, her mind remained trapped in that time.

One could call it ‘innocence’, but it was just as fair to call it stagnation.

Frey came to a painful realization: Alice hadn’t changed at all. Or rather, she hadn’t been able to.

From the moment Frey came into being until now.

Alice was still that same child from back then.

People grow through their interactions with others.

Through communication, cooperation, and connection, children become adults.

But Alice hadn’t had that experience.

Because Frey handled all interactions with the outside world.

Alice had been safely sheltered within her own mind, protected by Frey, but also isolated from the world.

Her only interaction with the world came from books, and so she lived in a tiny, enclosed universe.

Frey understood her mistake.

This wasn’t how things should be.

If she truly loved Alice, protecting her wasn’t enough.

She needed to help Alice act on her own.

She needed to let Alice face the world directly.

She needed to help Alice grow.

Frey made up her mind. It was agonizing, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

She had to let Alice leave the cage she’d created and spread her wings.

Alice needed to become a mature adult who could live without Frey’s protection.

All of this was for Alice.

Starting from the day they entered the academy, Frey stepped back and gave Alice full control over their body.

From within, she would offer advice, but she made Alice confront and handle things herself.

Of course, it was harsh for Alice, who’d lived as a sheltered flower, suddenly to be in charge of everything.

In truly unavoidable moments, Frey would occasionally take over and manage things for her.

But those instances were rare. Most of the time, Alice was the one in control.

She struggled endlessly.

On the day of orientation, she got lost trying to find her classroom and wandered around for ages. During her first self-introduction, she stammered, unable to speak properly.

During the ability assessment, she failed to control her powers and nearly blasted Angelica along with the golem. Making friends was out of the question, so she ended up spending her days in lonely solitude.

In those circumstances, the first person who reached out to Alice was Lucia.

It was a small gesture, but it meant the world to Alice.

For the first time, Alice gathered the courage to approach someone. That’s how she and Lucia became friends.

Frey was truly happy that Alice had found a friend.

But that only made her more wary.

Lucia was still outside the wall, someone who could turn on Alice at any moment.

There was no basis for trust. No reason to believe she wouldn’t harm Alice.

It might be overprotective, maybe even an overreaction. Perhaps Lucia genuinely wanted to be friends with Alice.

But there was already a precedent. Once, there was a woman who’d approached Alice with a warm smile like Lucia’s—only to betray her without a second thought.

A woman who’d left an unhealed wound in Alice’s heart.

Alice and Frey’s mother; who was not related to them by blood.

She was kind at first, too.

Just like you, Lucia.

That’s why I’m cautious.

Alice needs a friend.

Someone who can stay by her side. Someone who can help her grow.

And Frey considered this a rare opportunity.

Alice had retreated into her mind, completely unaware of the outside world.

That meant Frey could test Lucia’s true intentions without Alice ever knowing.

Frey looked at Lucia like a cat eyeing its prey, her gaze narrowed.

Lucia tilted her head in that innocent way, as if she were just as naive as Alice.

Whether that face was an act or not, I’ll uncover it all. Piece of cake. I’ll scratch the surface and dig out her true intentions. Ten minutes should be enough before Alice wakes up.

‘…Or so I thought.’

Frey furrowed her brows, an old habit.

This isn’t going according to plan. She sighed softly.

“You really look great! Hehe, I knew my choice was right.”

Lucia beamed at her, her face reflected a picture of joy.

Such a carefree expression. I feel like pinching her cheeks to make her cry.

Frey took a few seconds to realize she’d been overly optimistic.

For a simple reason.

It was hard to keep up the act.

To speak like Alice.

Since joining the academy, Alice had been the one controlling their body most of the time.

Even if Alice hadn’t wanted it, Frey had arranged things that way.

So to Lucia, who’d met them at the academy, “Alice” was the shy girl with severe stuttering issues.

If that Alice suddenly started speaking fluently, it would definitely raise suspicions.

Frey had no intention of revealing her dual personality to Lucia. Not yet, at least.

Until she was sure Lucia could be trusted, Frey’s existence was a secret.

So she tried to play along and pretend to be Alice… but failed.

Mimicking Alice’s stutter was simply impossible. It wasn’t something she could just imitate—it was genuinely difficult for anyone who wasn’t a top-notch actor.

If she’d tried to stutter awkwardly, it might have raised suspicion. Instead, she’d spoken less, and before she knew it, she’d been swept up in Lucia’s enthusiasm, already trying on the outfit she’d given as a gift.

By the way…

What’s with all this yellow?

Does Lucia think Alice is a baby chick? If anyone’s the chick here, it’s you, with your little “peep-peep” demeanor.

But wait—should I even be wearing this? It’s Alice’s gift, after all. She should be the first to wear it.

“Umm… Do you not like it?” 

“Oh, no…”

Seeing Frey’s unsettled expression, Lucia’s face drooped. Frey shook her head quickly.

Ugh, pretending to be meek like this is making my skin crawl. But I have no choice. If I want to act like Alice, I need to keep this up.

“I, I like it…”

Lucia’s face brightened, smiling in relief.

Like it? Not in the slightest. Who would enjoy this gaudy outfit?

…Well, Alice might.

She’s still stuck with a child’s sense of fashion, after all.

“Thank goodness. I was worried it might be too much.”

“…”

“Oh, and just so you know, don’t go thinking you need to get me something in return, okay? I’m the one who owes you, actually! You’ve recommended so many fun books to me.”

Her expression was so sincere.

An innocent face, just like Alice’s.

Good person or bad person?

Is she sincere, or is she just trying to deceive?

Frey wanted to dig into her true feelings, but the inability to was frustrating.

If possible, she wanted to believe. She wanted to believe that Lucia was a good person.

But what if she wasn’t?

What if Alice ended up hurt again, like last time?

Even if the odds were slim, she had to suspect it.

She had to stay cautious and keep her guard up.

She had to protect Alice.

Frey clenched her teeth.

She was a personality born solely to protect Alice.

As Alice’s shield, she wanted to ask—

Are you really her friend?

Or are you an enemy?

◈

Don’t worry.

I’m a friend.

That’s what I wanted to say, but I kept my mouth shut.

Frey was clearly trying to act like Alice, but her acting was clumsy. Maybe someone who didn’t know about Alice and Frey would be fooled, but knowing about her dual personality made the differences stand out.

Frey is paranoid.

The wounds of her childhood made her suspicious of everyone.

She’s probably thinking something like, “Are you a friend or an enemy? Choose now!”

How do I know?

Because that’s exactly what happened in the original story.

When Alice got close to Eugene, Frey practically hissed like an angry cat, growing wildly suspicious. She questioned every little thing, trying to figure out if Eugene was a true friend or an enemy trying to use Alice.

It’s likely the same now, although maybe she’s a little less suspicious of me since I’m a girl.

I want to be friends with Frey too; since I’m Alice’s friend now.

No need to rush. Frey’s paranoia isn’t something that will ease up in a day or two. This will take time and patience to untangle. Even Eugene, this world’s main character, only earned her trust after risking his life to save Alice.

Without an event of that magnitude, opening Frey’s heart would be impossible.

So, I shouldn’t expect too much too soon. Everything starts with the first step.

One day, I’ll get close enough to Frey that she’ll stomp all over me affectionately.

When Frey’s ‘switch’ flips, she becomes incredibly sadistic… Hehe, I can’t wait. I’ll keep my whip ready for that day.

“Well then, I’ll be going. I don’t want to interrupt your reading. Thanks again for the book recommendations. I’ll see you at the academy tomorrow.”

“W-Wait… actually, never mind. Be safe.”

Frey reached out a hand, then sighed and lowered it.

Hehe… judging by her reaction, she really was trying to test my intentions, huh? But it’s hard to manage with Alice’s speech pattern, right?

Watching Frey fumble through an imitation of Alice was so adorable I could barely contain myself.

I just wanted to scoop her up and shower her with affection. Frey’s like a baby—someone to protect.

I waved goodbye and stepped out of Alice’s room.

Stretching out my arms with a big yawn, I headed down the stairs.

All right, I’ve given my gift, and that’s all done.

Time to head back to my room and hang around for a while.

I might even end up having an accident, so I’d better keep a diaper on, just in case.