From VTuber♂ to VTuber♀ - Chapter 4

January 2nd – The First Change. The First Encounter. And Me.

When I came to, I was staring at a ceiling I’d never seen before.
Wait—why was I passed out? Oh… right.
I’d lost consciousness, hadn’t I? The moment I was told I couldn’t go back to normal, I seized up like a frog on electrodes and just—collapsed.

I awkwardly forced a smile and sat up as the nurse and doctor hovered over me with worried eyes.
It wasn’t until drops of water fell from my cheeks that I realized I was crying.
Then came a crushing wave of embarrassment.

A grown adult… throwing a tantrum in front of strangers.
I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear—but both my body and soul were so exhausted, I didn’t even have the strength to do that.

“This isn’t a dream, huh.”

“No, it’s not.”

…Did you really have to say that out loud?

That one cold, honest answer pierced through my brain like a knife, shattering whatever was left of my expression.
Right. I really can’t go back.
This isn’t a dream. It’s reality—plain and cruel.

If only I could move straight into the acceptance stage…
But I was never the type to adapt easily.

My head throbbed as I started thinking about the most basic, terrifying thing:
How am I supposed to live like this now?

“While you were unconscious, we ran a simple test using a rapid kit.”

“…A test? What kind of test? Is it expensive?”

“No, there’s no charge. It’s government-sponsored.”

Government-sponsored…?
Didn’t those kits for checking COVID end a while ago?

I laughed awkwardly at my own dumb thought.
The nurse, giving me a look full of pity, handed me a sheet of paper.

A… medical report?

Reality had already hit me like a bitter winter wind, but the weight of it still didn’t feel real.
I took the paper with a blank stare and started reading the first line—
And the moment I saw the words “Twin Gender Transformation Syndrome”, my breath caught.

“Twin…?”

“…”

“You’re saying I’m a twin? That can’t be right…”

The orphanage director had always told me I was an only child.
So what—did they lie to me?
The director? Lying to me?

No way.
They were the one who taught me never to lie in the first place.
They wouldn’t… they couldn’t—

…Haha.

“There may have been a clerical error. According to official records, you’re listed as an only child,
but the results from the test show you’re a twin.”

“Isn’t there… I don’t know, a more detailed test? Like genetic testing? Something to make sure—
Maybe I caught some disease that changes gender or something, right? That’s possible, isn’t it?! Right?!”

“…Unfortunately, there’s no known disease that causes gender changes.”

“…Right.”

Of course not.
Unless I had a twin, there was no other logical explanation for a body’s sex to change like this.

I hadn’t even considered the idea because I’d always believed I was an only child.
If I’d known I had a twin, would I have handled this better?

What if… what if… what if…

I kept looping through “what ifs” in my head until I realized none of it mattered.
And I let my head droop.

What was the point of everything I’d done up to now?

“So… what should I do?”

My voice echoed sadly in the quiet room.

I wasn’t really asking the doctor.
I was asking myself.

But the silence that followed hit like an answer, stabbing deep into my chest.

There’s nothing left. You’ll just have to live like this now.

“Let’s start with a full examination.”

“…A full exam?”

“Yes. A gender change combined with albinism is extremely rare.
There’s a chance you developed a genetic disorder from the transformation.
And the timing of the change was late, so it’s best to test as soon as possible—”

“Do I have to?”

“….”

To be honest, I didn’t have the mental capacity to handle anything else.
Or rather, I didn’t want to.

I wiped away the now-dried tear trails and stood up.

I’ll do the exam later.
Thanks for worrying about me.

I didn’t know if I said it out loud or just muttered it in my head,
but either way, I turned to leave.

“Please make sure to get the exam.”

“…Okay.”

The doctor’s genuine concern made it hard to ignore,
so I nodded, even if just out of politeness.

I’ll get tested.
Eventually.

With one last bow, I left the hospital.

Right now, I just wanted to go home.

—

“Aaaaaaaaah…”

I didn’t do much once I got back.

What did I do?
I think I just collapsed on the floor.

Even now, I was still lying there, not sleeping, just… staring at the ceiling and going “aaaaaaah” out loud.

It was freezing on my way to the hospital, but I barely noticed the cold on the way back.

“Oh. I got a bunch of missed calls.”

I’d expected to break down crying the moment I walked through the door,
but no tears came.
I wasn’t trying to accept things or anything—I just wasn’t thinking at all.

So I was a twin?
Then where’s my twin now?
And why didn’t I know?

I shoved all those questions into a box in the back of my mind.
My head was already spinning.
I didn’t want to get swept away by reality just yet.

[Missed Calls: 17]

“Manager… CEO… even DigiCord… man, a lot of people tried.”

I wanted to respond.
But I didn’t have the courage.

Would they still accept me if they saw me like this?

…No way.
Even I couldn’t accept me.

The phone started ringing again.
I just stared at it, then silently switched it to silent mode and dropped it onto the blanket.

“Ow—huh?”

I flinched at a sting in my hand as I tried to pull the blanket over myself.

It felt like a burn.

I peeled back the covers, and my hand was red and inflamed.

Huh? What the hell?
Did I scrape it when I collapsed?

I rubbed it lightly, but the pain shot through me far more sharply than before.

“Ghh?! Hnn—haa…!”

What the hell is going on?!

Even after pulling my fingers away, the burning didn’t stop.

Then my face started to sting too—as if my skin was protesting every tiny muscle movement.

Ow! Ow ow ow!

Panicking, I rushed to the bathroom.

“…It’s swollen.”

Why?

My reflection showed a red face and an angry red hand.

I didn’t remember anything happening…
Why was this happening now?

It wasn’t getting better with rest—if anything, the pain was worsening.

Now that I thought about it, the doctor did recommend that exam pretty strongly…

“Doctors never say things for no reason,” huh?

Guess I learned the hard way.
Not listening made it worse.

And now, in pain and panic, I made the one call I couldn’t avoid anymore: to my manager.

If you’re wondering why I ignored all those earlier calls but only called now when I needed something…
I have no defense.

But really, it just meant I had finally hit my limit.

…I know it’s selfish to think of it that way, but I needed someone.

[Hey, Han Yeoreum! What the hell, you haven’t been answering—]

“…Manager.”

[…Who is this?]

“…Manager, I’m really sorry, but… can you please come to my place? Just once?”

He didn’t even recognize my voice.

But I had no time to explain—I got straight to the point.

I’m really sick.
I know it’ll sound confusing, but please, just come.

The pain made me ramble, but I poured all the desperation I could into my words.

“Please, Manager.”

[…I’m on my way. I’ll be right there.]

Somehow… that was enough.

A response.

Finally, just one person.

My heart pounded painfully as the call ended.

And the silence that filled the room afterward was almost painfully cold.