I Don’t Want to Play Villains Anymore - Chapter 35

White Ash

“Haneul, what are you doing?”

Su-a’s Shin Sound flickered.

That kid always does that. She smiles innocently, and whenever she speaks, her Shin Sound sounds as if she’s tying a ribbon at the end.

But I can’t keep up with that.

“Nothing.”

I answered that way.

As if Ral’s words were the correct answer, short and clear.

But that statement is a lie.

Right now, Ral’s head is completely filled with ‘Suha.’

‘Did she just k*ll Buram?’

The Burams seek an answer.

‘Suha is a psychopath.’

‘That kid has no emotions.’

‘Just like cutting an eraser, she probably cut Buram too.’

Yeah, it’s not wrong.

But this feels wrong, as if I were writing answers without solving math problems.

Could that kid become like that soon?

Soon, with a quiet face, stained hands, could she still smile?

That question lingers in Ral’s mind.

And strangely—

That question feels like Ral’s.

‘Did she just k*ll Buram?’

Although it was a character Ral had acted out, the last flow of that emotion still lingers at Ral’s fingertips.

The sensation of bl**d flowing, the fading light in Teacher’s eyes, all of it.

“…Haneul, you’re biting your fingernails again.”

I was startled and drew back my hand at Su-a’s words.

Before I knew it, the fingernail on my right index finger was half bitten off.

That was the nail I had unconsciously been biting.

“…No. I didn’t.”

I lied again.

This is already the fourth time today.

When I stand in front of the mirror, I practice smiling.

The ‘fake smile’ I used at the time— ‘Lift only the corners of your mouth, and never move your eyes.’

Exactly like how Suha used to do it.

When I was Suha, I was Suha.

And sometimes, while repeating that practice…

‘When was Ral genuinely able to smile?’

I forget.

The performance is over, but I’m still wandering around Suha’s mind.

‘Doesn’t it hurt to cut an eraser?’

‘But erasers aren’t alive.’

I mumble the same lines again.

When we shot that scene, I was sincere.

And now, I’m also sincere when I express that scene.

It was Haneul acting, but I remember it as if Suha acted it.

My mother sometimes asks.

“What is it like today?”

Then I simply say, “It was good.”

But what does ‘good’ really mean?

Good, bad, angry, happy.

I can perform perfectly. I know better than anyone how it looks.

But sometimes, my emotions don’t come out unconsciously.

The judgment of that emotion lately has become blurry.

“Don’t get too absorbed.”

The director, mother, and the Burams all said that.

But how can I act without getting ‘absorbed’?

Isn’t that like telling someone to laugh at a funeral for a Buram who has passed away?

“Haneul, the Suha you portrayed was really scary.”

“How did you create that gaze?”

“You looked just like Suha in that scene.”

There was a time when those words sounded like compliments.

Not anymore.

Every time I hear those words, something small inside my chest breaks.

Because I can’t even remember Ral’s gaze.

What that gaze was like, what Ral felt in that scene…

Everything is a memory of ‘Suha.’

Not Haneul.

So suddenly.

‘Am I really Haneul?’

That thought arises.

For the performance, I turned my emotions on and off hundreds, thousands of times.

I laughed, cried, poked, and killed.

I went through all those emotions.

But I actually don’t know what Ral’s emotions were.

“Haneul, let’s go to our playground.”

Su-a pulls my hand.

Her hand is warm, and suddenly I feel a rush of happiness.

“…Sorry. I’ll just rest a bit and then go.”

I said that and walked to the window.

The reflection of Ral’s face in the glass is so unfamiliar.

Blue eyes, silver hair fluttering like smoke.

In past lives and now.

Ral’s face has always felt like a ‘mask’ worn by someone in a play.

‘I should live well in this life,’ but now I don’t know if Ral is alive or acting.

But it’s fortunate that Ral is still five years old.

It means there’s a lot of life left.

Perhaps I can shake off this aftermath someday.

Maybe.

Though it might take a very long time.

If that’s the fate of an actor…

“Haneul, look at me.”

Su-a.

“…Yes. I’m watching.”

A serious gaze from Su-a that isn’t typical, looks at me.

Seeing her cute face all frowning, she must be upset because I didn’t play with her…

“Make me your idol.”

“…Huh?”

Where did I see that?

“I saw it in a show. Burams draw strength and overcome fear through having an idol.”

Suddenly, my head spun.

…What?

What did Su-a just say?

Even when I try to recall, it feels like a strange remark.

A very serious and bizarrely confident statement I’ve never heard before.

“Yes?”

I unconsciously ask back.

I might have misheard Ral after all.

But Su-a, without wavering, places her hands on her waist and raises her chin.

“Yes. An idol.”

“So, do you want me to make you my idol?”

“Exactly.”

That gaze was extraordinary.

Despite her short stature and soft voice, it was sincere.

That kid really sees that Ral is ‘crumbling.’

…d*mn it.

If she saw the words and actions I usually do, she must have quickly understood everything.

I’ve become more reserved, the light in my eyes has dimmed, and biting my nails has become a daily routine.

I kept denying it because I hated admitting my weakness…

But right now, I was crumbling.

“But aren’t you the one crumbling?”

I muttered softly.

Su-a pursed her lips at my words as if she predicted that reaction.

“Because… I really like you.”

Her tone was low but firm.

It was the most serious confession a child could make, and at the same time, it was also a declaration.

At that moment, I nearly gasped.

It pierced my heart heavier than any praise, deeper than any confession.

“So if you’re hurting alone… I hurt too.”

Su-a said.

The words of a five-year-old felt too kind, too intelligent, I almost stumbled.

“So.”

Su-a said again.

“Haneul, you are a Buram who likes Ral. Really.”

After finishing her words, she slowly reached her small hand towards me.

A little warm hand.

That hand silently wrapped around mine.

At that moment, I flinched but didn’t refuse.

No, I couldn’t refuse.

“…Can I really make you my idol?”

“Of course. I smile well, rarely cry, and speak cutely.”

Is that something you should say about yourself?

I thought that in my mind, but I didn’t say it out loud.

Because those words felt a bit warm.

And strangely, holding that hand made it easier to breathe.

My heart slowed, and complex emotions seemed to subside momentarily.

I quietly gazed at Su-a.

“Then, I will make you my idol?”

“Yes. You can say it anytime. When you’re scared, when you’re alone, even when you grow up.”

“…Then can I still say it later?”

“Just because you’re my idol.”

Su-a said confidently.

I smiled.

For the first time in a long while, I smiled with ‘Haneul’s’ face.

Not as Suha, not as Yeomra, not as any sparkling advertisement.

Just Baek Ha-neul.

Five years old.

A child who’s here, breathing, and has only just started acting.

“…Thank you.”

That was truly sincere.

If saying someone is an idol can save someone.

That would be a profound statement to keep in my heart for a long time.

I may be able to use this scene somewhere in the future.

But right now.

In this moment.

I was content just holding hands with a friend.

“Su-a, you seem like the kind of kid who can become someone’s idol.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Idol.

“Director Gong Mu-heon, I think it would be good to start exposing the actors to the show.”

“Indeed. I was considering that too.”

Gong Mu-heon smiled slightly and tilted his tablet.

Then, he hastily pressed the ‘stop’ button on the top right corner of the screen.

The sound went off, and the video stopped.

Inside was a close-up of Baek Ha-neul from just moments ago.

With slightly droopy eyes, gazing into the air, breaking the silence, and flying away like a ray of light.

That scene, where even the stillness was acting.

At this moment, it was about the sixth review of the performance.

“Director, is that perhaps…”

“No. It’s not.”

Gong Mu-heon immediately folded the tablet in half while smiling.

His smile appeared relaxed, but his gaze suddenly flickered with vigilance.

The expression of a local who is startled by a rumor about a hidden restaurant he knows.

The look in Buram’s eyes, holding something they still don’t want to expose to the world.

That something was always Haneul.

“Revealing Haneul at this point is a bit of a waste.”

“…A waste?”

The assistant director tilted his head.

“Now, when it hasn’t been released yet, is the time with the most curiosity. The spoiler risk is gone since the important parts of ‘Evil Diary’ have already been filmed.”

Gong Mu-heon furrowed his eyebrows slightly.

He didn’t deny the statement, but he didn’t agree either.

His mind was calculating something else.

“Of course, logically, that’s the case. But…”

He paused, then looked back at the tablet.

His blurry face reflected on the dark screen.

“…Haneul is a child who can go much further than now.”

“Do you think exposure in a variety show could hinder that path?”

Instead of answering, Gong Mu-heon silently nodded his head.

That nod contained a lot of meaning.

How to behave naturally in front of a camera.

Making mistakes appear like acting.

Drawing viewers’ attention and points for editing.

Variety shows demand those things.

But at the same time, it is also a genre that fixes the ‘image.’

“A cute kid, boundless energy, the duality of Yeomra and Suha.”

He gradually drew each word with his finger in the air.

“If those words start circulating, Haneul will be trapped within that frame.”

A moment of silence.

“I hope that child doesn’t end up trapped in such a frame.”

The assistant director opened his mouth to say something but shut it again.

That was a kind of statement only a director who truly cares for an actor can make.

“So, let’s save it a bit longer.”

Gong Mu-heon said that while putting the tablet back in his bag.

As if sealing a precious treasure again.

“The world is still not ready to recognize that child’s true potential.”

His words, muttered with a smile, felt like a promise to nurture a dark horse or a madness to raise a monster.

But one thing was certain.

This documentary would devour all other shows the moment it was released.

“So, let’s just let other actors go and naturally drop hints about Haneul’s information.”

After all, the kid has no recognizable faces.

Even in the script, some attention should be given to the intricate details.

A star buried in the script shines brilliantly, even if unrecognized.