I Don’t Want to Play Villains Anymore - Chapter 19

Can you stop surprising me?

Even if we lose the light, we are still us.

The end of this project, which is called ‘Bichuri’ for short, feels as if it is approaching much faster.

At first, I thought it was just another film, but before I knew it, something had developed deep within my heart.

In ‘Bichuri’, the child actors appear until episode 3.

From then on, the story will heavily feature the adults Yoon Na-rae and Nam Ji-hyeok, meaning the two popular actors Choi Woo-a and Kang Soo-won will make their appearances.

In other words, today marks the last filming of ‘Bichuri’.

And I am now in the filming location on that final day.

With unwavering determination.

… that was the plan.

“Haneul, are you crying?”

Director Yoon Seok-won’s eyes widened slightly.

“No.”

I lifted my head slightly, wiping away the tears welling in my eyes.

“After becoming a woman, it became difficult to control my emotions.”

My respect for actresses increased a little.

Yeah. I’m not crying.

It’s just that emotions are overwhelming, and tears have gathered briefly. Tears can also be a part of acting.

“Still, it looks like you’re crying.”

“Well, that means I’m doing well in my performance.”

I said that while glancing at Jae-hyeon for no particular reason.

This final filming is, just like the first, something we are all in together.

The neighborhood basketball court. The setting sun. And Yoon Na-rae and Nam Ji-hyeok, who are carefully getting to know each other.

It is also the moment when our story deepens the most.

“The last memory of Yoon Na-rae and Nam Ji-hyeok, and a parting.”

Thus, the last scene is not simply a closing for ‘child actors’.

From now on, it is a connection point where the emotional ‘passage’ that needs to be passed on to the adults needs to be accurately conveyed.

“Phew…”

I silently composed my breath.

Beside me, Jae-hyeon was in the same state. The playful face had vanished, leaving only a serious and calm gaze.

“Haneul, what should we do after today?”

“After it ends?”

I tilted my head slightly.

“After we finish filming, you’ll go with the manager, and I’ll go with my dad, right?”

“Oh. That’s true.”

Jae-hyeon nodded as if feeling disappointed, then suddenly looked at me.

“Then… can we act together again later?”

At those words, I looked at Jae-hyeon without a reply.

‘…It can’t be serious, right?’

I mean, at this age.

There’s a four-year difference in age, but in terms of maturity, I seem to be older.

A few seconds of silence. Then I slowly nodded my head.

“Yeah. Sounds good. Work hard, and try to do it with me. I won’t stop until I reach the top.”

“That’s a typical plan from you.”

Both of us smiled.

It was not a smile of ‘children’, but something that generates trust solely between actors.

…I didn’t even have close friends at this age in my past life.

I already have a colleague now.

“Alright! Actors, get ready! We are going for the last scene!”

Assistant Director Shin Sound announced, and the staff started moving busily.

Director Yoon Seok-won lightly nodded his head towards us.

That gaze told me without words.

“It’s your turn to show everything now, Baek Ha-neul.”

I lowered my head and lightly inhaled.

And when I lifted my head again, it was already Yoon Na-rae.

Without a single tremor.

This moment when I am about to deliver the last line.

The life of this little child, the act, and all emotions come together here.

I didn’t want this moment to simply remain as a ‘child actor’.

I wanted to pass this feeling perfectly.

So the viewers wouldn’t forget Yoon Na-rae. No, I wanted them to remember the name Haneul as well.

“Scene number 37. Last. Action!”

With the power of Ral.

Let’s pour everything out.

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.

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Zoom—

The camera rolled. At that familiar machine sound, my world became Yoon Na-rae again.

Right now, for this moment, I am not a five-year-old actress.

I am just a girl from this little neighborhood, Yoon Na-rae.

The sunshine was flowing slowly, and the quiet street was endlessly permeating.

On the boundary where the bright red sky meets the cold streetlight, the two of us were standing face to face.

Just one wrong step could shatter this memory.

Slowly, I opened my lips.

“Someday, I might leave this town.”

Even I didn’t know my voice was trembling. Not as an act, but because I genuinely felt it.

“Soon?”

Ji-hyeok, no, Jae-hyeon’s voice followed softly.

“Just… I have a feeling.”

The answer was short, but my innermost thoughts were long and complicated.

I was afraid that someday we would leave this place, that these emotions would pass, and that today’s sunshine and air would grow faint.

“Where to?”

“Just… far away. Very far. A place known for badminton? Denmark? Japan? Or somewhere far from Korea…”

As I spoke, a part of my heart felt a pang.

I didn’t expect the word “far” to feel so melancholic.

That was when…

“…Then promise me.”

“Promise?”

I lifted my eyes. Ji-hyeok was slightly lowering his head.

“When we meet again, even if you don’t recognize me… it’s okay. But Na-rae…”

Ji-hyeok’s voice grew slightly smaller.

“Just remember me. There was a kid who played basketball here that day.”

I looked at him without saying a word.

I could feel how many emotions were packed in that short sentence.

Just ask to be remembered. Just remember.

I slowly nodded my head.

“Yeah. I will remember.”

And very cautiously, I reached out my hand.

Our little fingertips came closer as if hesitant, and lightly touched.

It was not just a simple gesture.

Perhaps it was a small knot quietly tying the fates of two kids,

and it contained the purest promise of wanting to hold onto this moment forever.

We didn’t say anything.

At this moment, both of us were more sincere than anyone else.

Hiding our emotions or reciting them was unnecessary.

We said goodbye to each other.

Just when the last light of this scene was fading.

“Cut!”

Director Yoon Seok-won’s firm yet gentle voice rang out.

And then followed, a brief silence.

Soon after, applause erupted from the staff.

“Good job. That was truly perfect. Both of you.”

The director’s voice was warmer than ever, and the camera director, lighting director, and the staff… all were clapping and looking at us.

Some were slightly teary-faced,

while others blinked as they continued to gaze at something beyond the camera.

I silently turned to Jae-hyeon.

He was looking at me too.

His expression showed much more emotion than usual.

And in a childish voice, he said,

“Good work.”

“You too.”

At those words, an unknown smile spread across my face.

We both slowly walked out of the filming location.

We weaved through the busy staff and towards the dimly lit end of the street.

The sunshine was almost gone, and the color of the street had turned a dusky hue.

And I silently mumbled in my heart.

“Even if we lose the light, we are still us.”

Whether that light is the stage lighting or a smile in someone’s memory.

When it eventually fades, dies out, and becomes distant…

Will we be able to say that the only thing left, ‘us’, was real?

The emotions, scenes, laughter, and tears we created together.

All that was the moment that shone the brightest during this short time.

As I felt that it was time to let go of that light, my heart ached.

I looked back at the filming location.

Director Yoon Seok-won was standing, and in the center of the lit set, the ball we had played with during filming remained.

I slowly lowered my head.

No one saw, but I infused my heart into it.

“Goodbye, Yoon Na-rae.”

Now, I return to being Baek Ha-neul.

But until the next scene comes.

Until the next role waits for me.

A part of my heart might still belong to Yoon Na-rae.

I am an actress.

Every time I act.

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“…Phew.”

The next day arrived.

The following date was a weekend, yet it felt unusually slow.

The room was quiet, and the sunlight outside trickled in as if pretending to be warm while avoiding me.

There was nothing special happening, and there wasn’t filming like yesterday…

I felt unnecessarily tired. My head felt heavy, and my heart felt empty.

Or maybe it’s not that I have nothing to do, but I just… lack motivation.

Acting can sometimes feel this way.

When I’m on stage, I’m more passionate than anyone, but once I step off, it’s hard to believe how quiet it becomes.

The excitement that had burned brightly until yesterday felt like it was spent today.

It was as if I had exhausted all my emotions through acting.

“Darling, are you awake?”

I heard my mom’s voice coming from outside the door.

It was a bit low and cautious.

“…No.”

I weakly answered as I pulled the blanket up to my chin.

Mom slightly opened the door.

Without a word, she quietly scanned the room.

“What have you been doing?”

“Just… nothing.”

“I see. That can happen.”

Mom slowly walked over and sat down on the chair at my desk.

I lay in bed, turning my head slightly to look at her.

“Are you tired because it’s the weekend?”

“Not really… I just don’t want to do anything.”

Mom nodded her head.

There were no words of consolation. Just a quiet acceptance of my feelings.

“Is it emptiness?”

“Excuse me?”

“That strange emptiness you feel when you come back from the stage. To be precise, it feels like you’ve exhausted all your emotions while acting. That’s what I’m talking about.”

I couldn’t say anything at that moment.

Because her words perfectly captured what I was feeling.

‘Was mom an actress too?’

Though I knew she did housework at home, I couldn’t help but be surprised at this insight.

“I was also once a performer on stage. I didn’t act, but I was in plays, using my whole body to stand in front of people.”

Wow.

Is that true?

“…You?”

“Yes. When I was younger, I received a lot of awards in debate competitions.”

“Oh…”

“At that time, it was always like that when I came off stage. People would clap for me, and my parents were proud… but I felt strangely empty.”

Mom absentmindedly ruffled my bangs.

“Now, I understand a little bit of that feeling. The more you burn, the more you extinguish. Emotions are like fuel. You poured it all out on stage and returned.”

“…That makes sense.”

I murmured quietly.

‘As expected, she has amazing observational skills…’

Hearing such stories from family made me feel like crying for some reason.

“Still, that’s a very good sign.”

“A good sign?”

Mom spoke lightly with a smile.

“That means you truly felt it. It’s proof that you acted properly.”

“……”

“Haneul… you are entering that world faster and deeper than any actor I’ve ever seen. So, there will be days like this. Days when you feel completely drained.”

I buried my chin in my pillow and slightly closed my eyes.

Mom’s words seeped warmly into my heart.

“…So on days like this, I can just stay in bed?”

“Of course. On days when your heart is tired, it’s alright not to do anything. But let’s make one promise.”

“…What is it?”

“Don’t forget this feeling. When you stand on stage again later, remember that someone might also feel empty like today.”

I nodded at her words.

Mom slowly got up from her seat.

“Emotions, Haneul. Even if you hide them, they leak out. Even if you say them, they’re exposed. The reason your acting is great is that your emotions are real.”

Suddenly, Mom’s hand carefully stroked my hair over the blanket.

That hand was so warm and gentle.

“Right now, being under this blanket is also a part of acting. This is your own emotional training.”

Then she quietly added,

“So, rest well. Actress.”

I buried my face into the pillow and quietly murmured,

“Yes, mom.”

Somehow, I felt like I could dream a good dream today.