From VTuber♂ to VTuber♀ - Chapter 6

January 2nd) A Person Who Lost Everything

Empty.

That was the only word in my head.

And the next thought that followed—none other than “I want to die.”

What’s the point of living? Really.

Who could stay sane staring at a life that vanished in an instant?

Rustle.

“All I’ve got left are this body and a bunch of meds.”

A dry voice echoed through the empty room.

It wasn’t dry because I was escaping from reality or refusing to face it.

It was the opposite—this dullness came from accepting reality too perfectly.

It was just all so horrific, empty, painful—

God, why did this have to happen to me. Ha… what a joke.

“…Why me?”

Even when I was bullied in school for being an orphan, it didn’t feel like this.

I came into the world with nothing, and just when I thought I finally had something to call my own, this is how it ends.

The thoughts swirling in my head brought a sharp headache.

My body was telling me to stop thinking and just stare at the ceiling—but right now, I wanted to feel every inch of this pain.

“I’m sorry, Yeoreum.”

President… No, CEO. You were cruel, right up to the end.

If you had just acted like it was nothing, I wouldn’t have felt this miserable.

If you had said something like, “We’re just not renewing the contract this year,” I wouldn’t have been this sad.

But instead, you acted so apologetic.

I’m just an orphan. A nobody. What was with that pained expression like cutting me off was like tearing off a part of yourself?

That just made me feel like I had been someone that mattered.

“…You make it feel like I was someone who actually meant something…”

A person who has nothing has nothing to fear—because they have nothing left to lose.

But someone who did have something, like Han Yeoreum the VTuber of Straight, couldn’t say the same.

I had something. Something I once wanted to bet my entire life on.

Streaming, something I started when I was young. VTubing, that reckless dream I chased after.

They were mine. The only things I’d ever wanted in my whole life.

And now, what’s left?

“Hrk…”

They say when people are really sad, they cry out for their mom or dad.

But I had no one to call for.

No mom. No dad. No one at all. Everyone and everything that once belonged to me was now gone.

All that escaped from my throat was an incomplete cry.

Something between a scream, a sob, and a whimper—a pathetic noise that crawled out of me.

“Haaa… haaaaah… haaAAAGHH…!”

The despair of losing the one thing I cherished was immense.

People cry when they lose even a beloved possession—so how much greater is the despair when someone loses everything in one instant?

I didn’t want to know. Even now—I don’t want to know.

As the sound of my heaving breaths mixed with the crinkle of pill wrappers—

“Why, why, WHY ME?! Why does it have to be ME?!”

Crash!

Unable to control my rage, I hurled the bag of medication. The long strip of pill packets fluttered weakly and slammed into the wall.

A small room just big enough for a computer and a human body to lie down in.

What had once been my sanctuary now felt like a death row cell, waiting for me to die.

Even with the lights fully on, everything felt dark—and that darkness stirred up a sudden impulse.

“Should I just die?”

There was no one to answer.

No one to stop me. Not even myself.

But… I wasn’t the kind of person who even knew how to die. Sure, I could look it up online in a second—but I didn’t.

My eyes drifted.

They landed on the scattered pill packets, pathetically lying against the wall.

They said the pills were strong—could cause pain if misused.

‘…What happens if I take them all?’

It didn’t take long for the curiosity to turn into action.

Impulse. Action. Result.

It was simple.

—

“Ah.”

If there’s one thing I learned from all this—it’s that people don’t die that easily.

And if there’s another thing I learned, it’s that taking a bunch of meds without regard for dosage or directions leads to excruciating pain.

At first, I didn’t feel much. But as time passed, it felt like my stomach was being ripped apart.

Then came the foaming, the vomiting—until I purged everything from my stomach.

I flailed and spasmed and finally blacked out. And now, I was finally awake.

“What a waste of pills. They were expensive.”

The vomit spilled across the floor, the lingering taste of stomach acid in my mouth, the stickiness of my body—all of it slammed reality into me like a truck.

…It’s going to take forever to clean this mess up.

Like a broken doll, I slowly got up and began cleaning the ruined room.

Even moving a little left me gasping for breath, and though I resented this frail body, there was no point anymore. What’s done is done.

Let’s clean first. Think later.

“Cough, cough… huff…”

My body might be weak, but stomach acid? Still strong.

My throat burned like I’d swallowed boiling water.

That… was stupid.

Regret always comes too fast or too late.

The useless medication and exhaustion from the pointless labor transformed into pure self-loathing.

“God, I feel like I’m dying…”

Tossed the blanket into the washing machine. Cleaned the floor. Hand-washed my clothes. Took a shower.

How many things did I end up doing because of one stupid mistake?

And now I didn’t even have a clean blanket to sleep on.

I sat on the bare floor, hugged my knees, and buried my face between them.

Grrrgle—

“…Ah.”

My stomach rumbled. I sighed.

Now that I thought about it—had I eaten anything all day?

No. Not a single bite.

I sighed deeply. Should I eat something? Yeah… I should, if I want to stay alive.

I downed all those pills and still didn’t die—guess that means the universe wants me to live, huh?

…Maybe that’s a little too optimistic.

Ding!

[You have a missed DigiCode call.]

“…Who the hell is that persistent?”

There weren’t many people who’d contact me on DigiCode.

There were a bunch of missed calls and messages.

Well, I guess it makes sense. News about Han Yeoreum’s contract termination probably went up by now.

I’m sure lots of people are trying to reach out because of it.

…Not that any of it matters anymore.

‘Still… maybe I should see who it is.’

I reached out for my phone sitting just a short distance away—

Or tried to.

“Tch.”

Before the body change, I could’ve reached it. But now? Not even close.

Frustrated, I grumbled and stood up.

Nothing ever goes right.

My anger quickly turned into sadness.

And that sadness doubled in an instant.

[Yeoreum, are you okay? I heard you didn’t do your New Year’s stream, so I was worried.]
[You’re not sick or anything, right? You usually answer DigiCode, but today you didn’t…]
[Is it true? That your contract’s really over? Are you done being a VTuber? Whatever you decide, I’ll support you.]
[…I can’t stop worrying. Could we at least have a call? I think I’ll only feel better after hearing your voice.]
[Maybe I’m being pushy. Sorry for barging in when you’re probably overwhelmed. I really hope you get better soon.]
[You’re not too sick to even read this, right…?]
[Even if it’s someday in the future—just message me when you can.]

“….”

The person who left the most missed messages on DigiCode… was none other than Toya.

One of the few people I could proudly call a friend.

We met by chance, grew close by chance, kept in touch by chance—and yet, Toya was my dearest friend.

Sure, we’d never even seen each other’s faces. But Toya had been my first friend.

And that made them irreplaceable.

But now it’s the end.

I’m no longer Han Yeoreum, the VTuber of Straight.

No… I’m not even Han Yeoreum anymore.

“You don’t need to apologize.”

I’m the one who should be sorry.

. . .

[Do you want to remove ‘Toya’ from your friend list?]
[YES / NO]