From VTuber♂ to VTuber♀ - Chapter 16

—

One January Day.

“Um…”

“Hm? What is it?”

We had been walking together for a while when I carefully spoke up. She tilted her head at me.

She had the kind of look that asked, “Is something wrong?”

…Maybe I was the only one who found this weird. Wait—was I the weird one?

I tilted my head internally and glanced to the side.

To the hand she was holding tightly in hers.

“Do we really have to walk holding hands like this?”

“You’re supposed to hold hands like this when it’s cold out~!”

“…Really?”

“Really really!”

I’d heard Japanese people weren’t all that into physical contact, but I guess it depends on the person.

Honestly, I wasn’t exactly comfortable with it, but… she was smiling so brightly I couldn’t bring myself to ask her to let go.

I guess I just didn’t want to see a disappointed look on her face.

It was funny, though, that the one giving directions was the smaller of the two, not the bigger one. But the world never runs on logic alone, so I just let it slide.

“If you turn this corner and keep going, it’ll show up.”

“Really? Thank you so much!”

“I should get going now. Where I’m staying is a bit far.”

“Uh, should I walk you there?”

“It’s okay, I’ll just take a taxi—it won’t take long.”

If I really wanted to, I could’ve given her the full address down to the unit number, but I didn’t want to.

Just thinking about that place stirred up frustration and longing at the same time. It made my mind hazy and my nose sting.

It was the place that held my entire life, and the place where I lost it all. That tiny one-room apartment was a place of love and hate for me.

So I had no desire to go back.

And just leading a stranger all the way there had already used up all the kindness I had in me.

“See you again, little fairy!”

“…Yeah.”

I turned away from her, waving sweetly, and slowly walked away.

Crunch. My small footprints pressed into the snowy ground.

You just keep bothering me, don’t you?

The more I was reminded of how my body had changed, the more I hated myself.

Maybe I just needed someone to blame.

I’d heard that the twin who had been born with me—the one who may have caused all this—might already be dead. Maybe I was just redirecting all that resentment inward.

“Haa… cough, cough, cough!”

Was it because I’d been out in the snow too long? Or just because I stayed out too long in this cold?

My chest and throat ached from the coughs that kept bursting out.

I need to go back to the convenience store. I have to go back… and protect it.

I forced my startled heart to calm down, and what was left was a sense of duty to the store.

Maybe that’s not the kind of thought someone who ran away should have, but it was all I could do.

So—

“Didn’t she start coming home really late at night? Is that true, Mr. Kim?”

“Yeah. It was because of that kid who started working there or something. That’s what I heard from people around town.”

“She should’ve just fired him if he was that useless and come home early…”

The moment I heard those worried voices, my legs stopped as if glued to the ground.

By “she,” they were clearly talking about grandmother.

Thump. My heart beat hard.

Each snowflake falling from the sky suddenly felt heavy.

It must’ve been my fault. If it were someone else working there instead of me, grandmother wouldn’t have had to stay at the store so late.

“Hey, Mr. Kim. Don’t say things like—Yeoreum?!”

“I-I’m sorry… I’m so sorry!”

“Yeoreum! Wait, agh, my back…!!”

The moment they called my name, I took off, avoiding their eyes.

I heard someone fall behind me, but I didn’t stop running.

I ran, and ran, and ran again.

If they caught me now, I didn’t know what they’d say.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was the one who came to work there.

I tripped more than once, but each time I got back up and kept running.

Over and over.

Again and again.

—

“Hh… haa… haa…”

I couldn’t breathe, my body ached, and my legs wouldn’t move anymore.

I crouched in front of a shop with its shutters down, my knees tucked in. A cold wind brushed over me.

Where should I go now?

I’d cleared out of my old one-room apartment a long time ago. And going back to grandmother’s house? I wasn’t shameless enough for that.

In the end, all I had left was this eave in front of a closed store.

The snow that had settled on me began to melt, chilling me to the bone, but I didn’t bother shaking it off.

“I’m so pathetic.”

I looked down at my hands, turned white-blue, and my lips trembled.

My lips were probably the same color.

I hadn’t felt cold at all while walking in the snow. But now that I wasn’t moving, the cold hit me hard.

The kind of cold you only feel once you realize—yes, I’m alone again.

Everything had come full circle.

How can someone live a life and end up with nothing?

“It’s cold.”

My breath, turned white, floated up into the sky with my mumbled words.

Maybe if I’d stayed in the cold from the beginning, I wouldn’t feel like this.

Having warmth and then losing it made the contrast unbearable.

I felt the same when my contract ended.

I never thought I’d feel that same hollow sadness again.

“…My phone screen’s cracked.”

I pulled out my phone to check the time, only to find half the screen shattered.

Yeah, I’d used it for a while. It was the phone I bought when I first started streaming.

I laughed quietly as I stared at the phone that was half-broken, just like me.

Still alive, but half-dead. Functioning, but broken. Just like me.

“You’ve suffered a lot with a lousy owner, haven’t you?”

When I first got it, I cherished it like treasure.

I was careful not to get it wet, careful not to drop it, wiped the screen every day…

But later, I got careless. If it got wet, I wiped it off half-heartedly. I threw it around thinking it wouldn’t break. I let the case get dirty with grime.

Wow… now that I think about it, it’s just like me.

“When I first started streaming, I worried over every word. I was afraid my content would upset someone, or that my tone wasn’t right…”

One mean comment hurt more than ten compliments.

Sometimes I couldn’t sleep, obsessing over that one line.

I used to handle everything with care, like it was precious—just like my phone.

But as time went on, and I got more experience, even sharp criticism didn’t hurt as much.

At one point, I even wondered if something was wrong with me.

‘Weird… those kinds of comments used to keep me up at night, so why am I fine now?’

…Though I’d never say all those hateful comments deserved to be treated like this broken phone.

“I don’t even have money for medicine, and now my phone too—”

The moment I sighed at my miserable situation, I noticed something.

The little charm that should’ve been hanging from the phone—Toya’s keyring—was gone.

I shot up from where I was sitting.

Wait, what? Where is it? It should be here—it has to be here!

Did I drop it just now when I took my phone out? That must be it, right?

I can’t lose that. It’s the only one in the world. It’s a gift from Toya. I can’t—I can’t lose it!

“Where, where is it? Where did it go? A-ahh, no…”

I reached into my pockets just in case, but all I found were clumps of snow from when I’d fallen earlier.

I’d lost a precious gift from a friend.

The one connection I never cut off, even when I was cutting away everything else… it was gone now.

“No, no. I can just find it again, right? If I find it, it’s not really lost, right? Yeah, that’s it. I’ll just slowly go back and search. If I find it—”

If I find it, what then?

Am I going to call Toya? After ignoring all her messages? After what I did, I’m going to cling to her gift and still think ‘Toya and I are friends’?

My body, which had been about to sprint off, suddenly froze in place.

My legs trembled, as if begging me to hurry up and go find it. I just stared blankly at them and bit my lip.

You idiot. Why are you just standing there?

Go find it. You have to find it now! Are you really going to lose your friend’s gift?!

‘But—’

“But…”

I don’t even know where I am right now.

Looking out over the snow-covered ground, now so buried that even footprints had vanished, I muttered like a fool.

When I looked up, the sky above was dark and tossing down snow without mercy.

And now… I had no idea what to do.

‘What am I supposed to do now…?’

A me that no longer exists.

A bond that disappeared.

Endless falling snow.

Tears.

And—

“Yeoreum!!!”

—And then, you.