I Don’t Want to Play Villains Anymore - Chapter 49

Talk Show

Ah, I’m nervous.

This isn’t a stage, there’s only one camera, no script, and no one is coming to k*ll me.

Nonetheless, the nerves gradually creep up, and the tips of my lips feel dry.

The nerves I feel when standing in front of Buram can only appear in moments when I can’t act appropriately.

“Haneul has arrived. Come on in.”

As soon as I heard the voice of Shin Sound from Woo Jae-sook, I carefully bowed my head.

“Se-han, quickly help out.”

“Is it not too hot? Haneul has arrived. I’m really hungry.”

… Really.

Seeing him in person, he’s just Buram.

He laughs the same, helps out in the same way, is shorter than Shin, and has slumped shoulders.

But soon, will these two Burams make me even more nervous?

I sit cautiously in the chair.

I double-check if the chair is right, adjust my clothes to make sure they’re not wrinkled, and place my hands, which shouldn’t make noise on the microphone, on my knees.

“Now, let me introduce today’s guest.”

Shin Sound from Woo Jae-sook’s voice is calm and she’s smiling a little.

But my heart is pounding like a ticking time bomb.

Is it because the Buram sitting next to me is the most famous in the entertainment industry?

“This person has built an incredible career starting as a child actor. Recently, she became a topic of conversation once again for her role in ‘The Era of Conflict.’ She’s a very special person.”

Joo Se-han seems excited and nods his head.

I try hard not to smile and focus on the ground.

Still, if I’m aware that the camera is rolling, I have to look somewhat presentable.

Holding back an awkward smile and not getting caught on camera would be disastrous.

“Many of you might know the name of this guest. First of all, can we ask her to introduce herself directly?”

I slowly lifted my head.

And, I opened my mouth with a familiar greeting.

“Hello. I’m… actress Baek Ha-neul.”

In that moment, the entire studio seemed to hold its breath for a very short time.

One of the staff members in front of the monitor clapped silently with their mouth closed, and the lighting director shrugged and nodded his head as if satisfied.

The engineer who was adjusting the microphone took a sip of his coffee, and the assistant director smiled as he closed the script.

I felt like I understood this feeling.

This is what the name ‘me’ carries.

And I decided once again to embrace that feeling. Be it entertainment, acting, or life.

Today, I must wholly respond as… Baek Ha-neul.

“Wow. How long has it been since we saw you, Haneul?”

When Woo Jae-sook said that, I tilted my head slightly with a somewhat flustered expression.

I knew that it expressed his joy, but at the same time, I had to sincerely receive that question from a Buram.

“Um… have we met before?”

We probably haven’t.

I hesitantly asked, wearing an awkward smile.

His words spread light and soft laughter throughout the studio.

The soft light illuminated me, while the camera was still slowly panning my face.

“Of course not. Haha. I just saw you on TV.”

Ah. Is that what you meant?

Woo Jae-sook burst into one of his signature hearty laughs.

I also felt a slight relief and chuckled. This is how entertainment works.

At first, it’s awkward if no one says anything, and if anyone says anything, everyone laughs.

I need to cut through that awkwardness. Even as I’m nervous, I mustn’t falter.

“It’s been a while since you last appeared on the show, so how do you feel?”

This time, it’s Joo Se-han’s question.

The camera was capturing me.

The camera in entertainment is different from when acting.

It allows no room for error.

There’s no script, and no emotional breath is allowed.

I blinked for a moment and replied.

“Yes. I’m nervous. Acting has a script, but here… I am the script.”

As soon as I said that, Joo Se-han nodded in admiration with an “Oh~.”

I sighed inwardly.

I’ve said that line many times in past interviews, but now, I… understood the essence of that statement much deeper.

“Haneul, many people have been reacting strongly to ‘The Era of Conflict’ lately. What do you think?”

“Yes. Thank you for watching a lot…”

The phrase “thank you” is genuine, but at the same time, it’s a defense mechanism.

I have to deflect excessive compliments with humility and shrug off excessive criticism indifferently.

An actor’s face is a weapon and shield at the same time.

“The final scene of ‘The Era of Conflict’ was really amazing. I heard that the line ‘The world is the outcome’ was improvised, is that right?”

I smiled. That line… wouldn’t have come out if it hadn’t been for that moment.

“Yes. It was improvised. I just… didn’t know… it came out.”

“Wow~”

“Isn’t that what true acting is?”

They continued with the compliments, and I accepted them with laughter.

Such exchanges continued for quite a while.

The pressure of having to face the directors was momentarily forgotten.

“Haneul, what kind of results are you hoping for?”

Woo Jae-sook asked very slowly.

The studio became quiet once again.

This was not just a simple scene from a variety show; it was a question about the direction of my being.

I lifted my head.

I had answered this question back in my previous life, too.

“What I desire is not the result but the memory.”

“What do you mean by memory?”

“Results are fleeting. We hardly remember who won the entertainment award five years ago. But certain scenes remain for a long time. Certain faces, certain emotions… they stay in people’s memories even after time passes.”

In my previous life, although some villains lived on, there were no pure performers left in my heart.

Fortunately, it seems that Suha has become somewhat of that performer in this life.

I gave a slight smile. That was an honest feeling.

“So I want to become a being that is remembered like that.”

Both of the Burams paused for a moment, and Joo Se-han raised a hand and remarked.

“Wow… that’s cool.”

In that moment, I felt a little release of the tension in my heart.

Jae-sook and Se-han are probably aiming for something like this.

Such warm people.

“I watched that villain diary. Wow. Really, you wanted Suha to sleep with your wife… haha.”

“Oh. How do you really perform such a role? Um… what should I say? Do you prepare a bit beforehand?”

“Se-han. What are you asking Haneul right now…”

Ah. It’s the familiar scene I often see on YouTube.

Se-han asks a slightly rude question, and Jae-sook initiates the response.

In such situations, it’s best to sincerely answer.

My mind was working quickly.

How can I say something that won’t be rude while conveying my sincerity?

That’s always been the problem. The scripts have the answers written down, but in a live close-to-broadcast situation, I have to create the lines myself.

I smiled slightly and opened my mouth.

“Rather than preparation… I tend to believe in ‘premonitions.’”

Joo Se-han tilted his head.

Woo Jae-sook was already nodding his head.

As expected, he has a keen instinct.

“Premonition?”

“Yes. Of course, I read the script and practice before filming. But once I’m on set, there’s always a ‘moment.’ The air changes, there’s a strange breeze… When that moment comes, which is hard to explain in words, I just trust it.”

Woo Jae-sook clasps his hands neatly and slightly bows his head.

His gaze is not simply curious; it’s as if he’s penetrating the nuances in those words.

“So… what about Suha?”

I momentarily closed my eyes.

Every time that name came up, a chill struck my heart.

Suha.

That was the scariest emotion in my life.

Not fear or hatred, just the feeling of ‘pure emptiness.’

“Suha… um.”

I clasped my hands together.

The microphone cord brushed against my skin. The studio floor was so clean that even the shadow was honestly drawn.

That honesty would be fully revealed.

And that honesty is of the most sincere kind.

“At first, I was scared. I thought, ‘If I act this way, won’t I become someone strange?’ But as I kept acting… I realized that I didn’t create that person; they were just… there.”

“There?”

“Yes. It felt as if the person called Suha truly existed, and I was pulling them out to speak and move. It was scary, but also… calm. Ironically.”

At that moment, Woo Jae-sook slightly raised his hand and waited without interrupting.

A gesture of consideration. With that consideration, I took another breath and continued speaking.

“So I try not to act but to become that being. Even if just for a short moment. If I do, the emotions come to me. When they come… I don’t let go. I go with them until the end.”

The studio fell silent for a moment.

The air settled, but it wasn’t uncomfortable; it was warm.

“Haneul is… quite calm, but on the scary side.”

Joo Se-han said with a smile.

“Uh? Me?”

“That’s why, while you speak so slowly and calmly… listeners get captivated. Wow. That must be the power of acting.”

I’ve heard it many times, but hearing it from a senior feels different.

I found myself laughing awkwardly.

An awkward laugh. Yet, I didn’t dislike those words.

It meant they saw me as an actress.

“…I feel that people see other people through my face.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“The profession of an actor is essentially replacing someone’s face with mine. Be it a serial killer, a hero, or a ghost. Showing that face through my own.”

I spoke slowly, really slowly.

“So… I hope that my face triggers someone’s emotions. A painful memory, a longed-for person, or… an unredeemed self. If they can recall such things… that alone fulfills me.”

Woo Jae-sook was nodding his head. This Buram’s gaze is truly warm.

At that moment, the studio lights became a bit brighter.

“I think Haneul is such a warm person. I’ve seen many actors who experience side effects while acting.”

“…Ah.”

A short sound that slipped out of my mouth filled the studio for a moment.

‘I made a mistake.’

I swallowed hard.

The lights were shining on me, and the camera was slowly scanning my left face.

Every word, every emotion was being recorded.

It meant I couldn’t run away from it.

Not being able to avoid it either.

Woo Jae-sook quietly watched me.

That gaze wasn’t mere curiosity or simple consolation.

It was the gaze of someone who ‘understands.’

“Any role ultimately remains inside you.”

He began to speak slowly.

“That’s why we’ve always worried about actors like Haneul, who play such deep roles at a young age… can crumble in acting and reality.”

Those words hit me so precisely that it took my breath away.

I couldn’t tell if I was crumbling without knowing or sitting upright while crying without knowing, but at that moment, memories of the times I held back tears flooded back.

Those moments, just I knew them, the feelings of emptiness he was articulating.

I slowly curled my lips into a faint smile. Rather than a smile, it was a face of acknowledgment.

“Sometimes, my memories get mixed up.”

I spoke honestly. Not a prepared response, but as ‘the current me.’

“There are times when I can’t tell whether it was Suha’s emotion or my own. When I think of the scene where Suha cried… strangely, it feels like it was my own experience.”

Joo Se-han took a light breath.

Not quite admiration; more surprise.

Woo Jae-sook quietly nodded and softly asked.

“How do you handle that? What about you, Haneul?”

I hesitated. Then took another deep breath.

That question was a kind that wasn’t easy to answer.

“When I stop acting, I realize. Acknowledging that it wasn’t me.”

My voice had lowered slightly by then.

“After filming ends, lying in bed, when I feel the day is completely over… that’s when I say, ‘Ah, today was Suha.’”

“Oh no…”

“But by the time I understand that, I’m usually too exhausted… so I just sleep. That’s how it goes. Another day will come.”

A moment of silence passed.

What I had said wasn’t a special experience.

It might be a process that anyone who has acted for a long time goes through.

However, no one had ever articulated it this way.

Woo Jae-sook quietly nodded.

“You’re incredible, Haneul.”

“Ah… I’m just trying hard not to crumble.”

“Knowing that is indeed very mature.”

I smiled.

Wondering if I should find myself grown-up for laughing at being called mature.

“Sometimes… I miss the times when I acted without knowing anything.”

As I spoke, memories of my first acting came to my mind.

The five-year-old ‘me’ crying at the audition.

I knew nothing and just cried; that was the act.

That child didn’t know that those tears would become works and those works would change someone’s life.

That little kid, much smaller than I am now but somehow even bigger… I felt that somewhere within me, a part of them still exists.

But these days, that child doesn’t cry much.

“Nowadays, I don’t cry anymore.”

I added that nonchalantly.

“I don’t really know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing yet.”

Joo Se-han was momentarily at a loss for words, while Woo Jae-sook leaned forward slightly and said.

“That probably means… you’ve realized you can communicate in ways other than tears.”

I bowed my head slightly. That was a small comfort to me.

This was a place meant for such connections.

A place where more words can be shared than in a performance. A place where honesty can take precedence over performance.

The lighting was warm, the questions were sharp, and the answers penetrated deep into our hearts.

Maybe that’s why I instinctively clasped my hands carefully.

That’s a habit only I know. The rhythm I use to organize Suha’s emotions, or to return to being an ‘actor’ rather than ‘me.’

The fact that I am still doing that…

It might mean I’m still acting on this stage.

But that’s okay.

Today, I am fully alive as ‘Baek Ha-neul.’

“In that sense, we will be releasing the video letter from Director Gong Mu-heon, who received a lot of criticism recently!”

“…What?”

What are you going to release?