I Don’t Want to Play Villains Anymore - Chapter 10
Is popularity really that important?
Huh.
“Whoa…”
Warm cocoa spreads through my fatigued body. I felt a headache and tiredness, perhaps from overdoing my emotions a bit earlier.
“You did well, Haneul.”
At that moment, a handsome man with dark hair approached.
“Oh, Deumbae-nim.”
I quickly stood up and bowed at a ninety-degree angle.
In the entertainment industry, etiquette is fundamental. If you mess up, you could get blacklisted and never receive a project again.
Most people are connected to some well-known Buram or Bu-in if you weave it all together.
It’s naturally unacceptable to treat someone roughly, but rude behavior is also a big no-no.
“Oh my, look at Jang Hyun-seong.”
“Wow… I can’t believe he put Haneul in such a rough spot…”
“I thought he was nice, but I guess there’s this side of him…”
Huh? I can hear something over there…
“No way! It’s not that serious! Haneul? Straighten your back! Your back!”
A flustered Jang Hyun-seong grabbed Ral by the shoulder and stood me back up.
“Oh, yes.”
I quickly straightened my back and forced an awkward smile.
If I think about it now, was I being too much of a worker?
But I learned that even if the worker has passed, there’s nothing lost.
Yeah. Right. This was Jang Hyun-seong’s excessive reaction.
“Ha. Haneul, you’re really a fascinating kid.”
Jang Hyun-seong said as he plopped into a chair, speaking almost to himself. His face looked tired, but his eyes still sparkled.
Being looked at with those eyes made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
“Fascinating… Me?”
“Yeah. It’s not just about matching the vibe; you draw others in. Like when you acted earlier.”
“Ah… about that…”
I hesitated for a moment. I sometimes felt that acting in that way is somehow different from regular acting.
It wasn’t just about matching the rhythm with the other person; it was also about forcibly drawing them into the performance.
At some point, I started to feel that was normal.
“Is it… that I was too much?”
Jang Hyun-seong may reach the level of a top actor later on, but he might still be too young to fully accept this level of acting.
“No, no. Not at all. On the contrary, it was really impressive.”
Jang Hyun-seong’s tone was serious. Yet, in his gaze, there was a hint of caution.
“The acting was really good… but separate from that, there’s something I want to ask you.”
“Yes?”
“Haneul, do you… enjoy acting?”
I was slightly taken aback by the question. Enjoy it? Of course, I enjoy it.
I’ve never found anything that makes me as happy as this. If I exaggerate, I could even say it’s the reason for living.
“Yes. Of course, I enjoy it. Above all, it’s really fun.”
“Fun…”
Jang Hyun-seong nodded and began to speak again.
“That’s really a relief. Being able to enjoy acting is a good thing. But…”
“But?”
“Don’t get too immersed. Sometimes, you might lose yourself in the acting.”
His tone was heavy and serious, almost as if offering a warning.
“Hmm… Are you saying not to get too caught up in acting?”
“Well, something like that. You get too deeply involved in acting. Your ability to draw people in is amazing.”
“…”
“But, that power can sometimes cause you to lose yourself. Even though you’re just acting, it can feel so real.”
I was silent for a moment. I could fully understand what he meant.
What I desire is acting that feels real.
So, it’s natural to sometimes immerse myself in it to the point where it feels like reality.
But that’s not just immersion. It’s about transmitting those feelings to the other person… that kind of essence.
“Do you think my acting is dangerous, Deumbae-nim?”
“I’m not saying it’s dangerous. Just be cautious.”
“Really?”
Jang Hyun-seong paused, looked at me, and smiled awkwardly.
“I just… I also get scared sometimes. Your acting is so powerful and overwhelming.”
“Overwhelming…”
“It’s like you’re captivating your counterpart. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing… but it’s scary because you’re so good at it.”
His eyes were sincere. Even though those words were a compliment, there was an underlying caution within them.
For a while, I couldn’t say anything. Then I slowly nodded.
“I… just want to act well.”
“I get that. I understand that feeling. But the impact you have brings me concern… I can’t help but think of how much impact you will feel from those emotions you draw in. I can’t quite grasp it.”
Jang Hyun-seong slowly stood up from his seat. Then he extended his hand toward me.
“Anyway, you worked hard today. Your acting was really amazing, Haneul.”
“Yes! Thank you, Deumbae-nim.”
As I shook his hand, I bowed my head once again politely. Jang Hyun-seong simply smiled, looking tired as he left the café.
Even after he left, his words lingered in my mind.
“…Overwhelming.”
Sharing emotions.
It’s a significant issue that comes up when acting as a messenger.
“I know better than anyone.”
When you take on dozens of similar roles, it’s inevitable that your method starts to resemble itself.
Just listing the major projects I’ve done, they all involve noir-style characters who are good at fighting and scary villains.
Some days, when I look in the mirror, I see someone completely unfamiliar.
When I brush against someone in the subway, I give them a cold stare.
Seeing life through the lens of someone else brings forth these issues.
“But I can’t stop acting.”
It’s like being addicted.
The liberation of emotion derived from acting another person’s life.
The exhilaration that a new world unfolds at my fingertips, separate from reality.
And…
No matter how much I deny it, I know that I am immersed in that exhilaration.
“Everyone must go through this, right?”
I mutter, comforting myself, yet there’s no certainty in those words.
Do other actors feel these emotions too?
Or is it just me, experiencing this unusually deep immersion in emotion?
If it were another Buram, they would probably recognize acting and stop. But even after the performance ends, I can’t easily let go of those feelings.
Sometimes, it feels like someone else’s life is overwhelming me.
“Is it wrong to be me?”
It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a long time.
Is this way of acting truly right?
What Jang Hyun-seong warned me about is likely similar to a life-and-d*ath matter.
A warning that once you go too deep, it becomes a road you can’t come back from.
“…But it’s okay.”
Because it’s a chosen path for me.
From the moment I decided to act, I have come this far.
Whatever the emotion, whatever the situation.
I must contain it all within myself and pour it out through my acting.
And the reason I can’t stop doing that is obvious.
“Because… I enjoy acting.”
The words I had said to myself had turned into conviction without me realizing.
Even if emotions get tangled, and reality and fantasy sometimes mix.
I was prepared to bear that and accept it.
“Yeah, I’ll keep going. I won’t stop, and I’ll do all the roles I couldn’t do.”
My mind felt clearer.
The cocoa had already cooled, but its warmth seemed to linger.
.
.
.
A day passed after the quiet meeting of our stories.
Maybe because of the emotional exhaustion from yesterday, my body still felt sluggish. It was as if I had run a long distance.
Yet, there was a strange pleasantness in this.
The relief of finishing the performance and a bit of emptiness.
Perhaps it was the sudden transition from the everyday routine of practice and filming that felt overwhelming.
“Is this why actors say they need to do something on their days off…?”
I still felt like a bit of Yeomra’s emotion lingered inside me.
The cold and merciless feelings of a judge.
When I concentrate, I can definitely feel that essence awaken from within me.
But right now, there’s nothing.
I just wanted to return to my usual self and experience the mundane moments.
At that moment, I heard a frantic Shin Sound from somewhere.
“Hey! Didn’t you finish filming?”
Turning my head, I saw a familiar face running toward me.
A boy with messy brown hair, reminiscent of an excited retriever.
Seo Hyun-woo.
During our last first meeting, he had tried hard to act cold, but lately, perhaps due to our shared experience as young actors, he keeps seeking me out.
“Oh, yeah.”
What can I say? Seeing him bounce over with such excitement makes me feel a sense of guilt for no reason.
How did he already hear about it?
After all, the filming just ended yesterday.
“Hey! Is the filming over? What was that Yeomra role?”
“Yeah, it ended yesterday. It was really tough.”
“Wow, then you can relax a bit now, right? Congratulations. It looked incredibly exhausting.”
…I haven’t even had the chance to enjoy the filming yet. I wonder if he’s already making up stories like that. Child actors. Scary.
“Ha-ha. Thanks.”
For some reason, that casual remark felt warm.
When you’re surrounded by the industry all day, these kinds of ordinary conversations become a comfort.
“By the way, are you entering another new project?”
“Well, not yet. This time, it’s supposed to be a longer break.”
“Really? I’m about to start filming something new! This is a secret, but soon they’ll start auditioning for a new drama on Channel C!”
Oh, so that’s what he came to brag about.
Channel C is one of the top three broadcasting networks in our country… a new drama there…
“Hmm…”
“Let’s do it together! They say it’s really big. If it works out, it’s totally lucky!”
To be honest, that proposition was quite tempting.
Channel C. In the entertainment industry, any Buram would know about that massive network.
If they’re holding auditions there… all the serious contenders in the industry will participate.
When he says it’s “really big,” it means it’s a project with great investment.
If it’s a grand drama on Channel C at this time…
“…Even if we lose our light, we?”
“Hmm? Oh, it seems to have a similar name. How do you know?”
I can’t say it.
The most commercially successful drama in this current year is “Light Lost.”
“…I just know.”
“Even if we lose our light,” it became the hottest topic of discussion.